Thursday, October 29, 2009

A Lamentation on Modern Living

Here's the truth - life sucks, and then you die.

Positive self-affirmations are a waste of time. Feng Shui is bollocks. Karma is crap. Your star sign predictions in the daily paper are always wrong. Neither the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud nor the collected sayings and wise words of Confucius will ever be of any help to you. Psychologists and psychiatrists and therapists and counsellors and life coaches and motivational speakers and even Tony bloody Robbins are all speaking through a tiny hole in their massive butts. You are not significant. You are not important. You are not a valued member of our society. You can‘t make changes to improve your life; there is no twenty step programme to turn you into someone that matters.

You're not going to change the world. You have nothing to offer but a meaningless life, a parasitic existence on the planet which nurtures you even as you help to destroy it. You will never amount to anything. You pass through people’s lives like a breath of air, instantly forgotten and replaced by the next breath. The world owes you nothing and God isn’t listening.

Complete strangers win the lottery while you can’t even get three numbers on the same line.

Over the course of your entire life to date you have achieved absolutely nothing - the world would not notice your absence. Your life is completely, totally and utterly void of purpose, direction, or meaning.

You are not a sports star, a movie star, a rock star or a shooting star. You will not be famous, wealthy, a celebrity, an important personality, a millionaire, a media magnate, King of England, President of the USA, a corrupt megalomaniac Armageddon cult leader or a talk-show host. You will never marry royalty. You will never have a yacht, a private jet, a mansion, your own private movie theatre, a cereal box with your picture on it, a Playboy bunny or an island in the South Pacific. You can’t write a best-selling novel, nor think up a box-office smash-hit award-winning screenplay. You can‘t write next year‘s most popular song, and you wouldn‘t be able to sing or play it anyway.

No matter how hard you hit a golf ball, a tennis ball, or a football, you will never make any money from it. You will never be asked to endorse a clothing label, a make-up range, or a sports shoe. The closest you will ever get to a five star hotel room is seeing one on TV, and you will never even travel business class, let alone first class.

No matter how much you exercise and diet, you will never look good enough. You’ll fail the Jenny Craig diet, the Atkins diet, and the Subway diet. You're afraid that if you attain your ideal weight there will be something else wrong with you which will be even harder to fix, and if there isn’t then you will no longer have anything on which to blame your failures: you’ll be forced to accept that you really are a complete waste of a human life. All these years on the planet and THIS is all you are?

You will never meet anyone who really loves you. There is only one person on the entire planet that we are each destined to be with; you were five minutes late on the day you were supposed to meet yours, and missed her forever. Your soul mate died in a car accident, or a plane crash, or a medical mishap before you even knew she existed. Every time you think you are getting somewhere, the rug is pulled out from under your feet, again and again, and you seem to end up even further back than when you started. You will continue to mistake female friendship for adult affection, until you manage to alienate all your women friends and end up with no friends left at all. You will never again have a long term relationship, a short term relationship, a summer fling or a one night stand. You will never marry, but on the bright side you will never divorce.

You will never have children or your own house or a stock portfolio.

You will never do what you want to do, but at least you don’t know what that is, so you will never know what you're missing. You will never have a job that pays you what you are worth. You will work in one dead-end job after another until the day you retire (which you won't be able to do until you are 80 because of all the money being spent on deadbeats and layabouts who refuse to get off their butts and find a job), and you will die a week later. You will have been forgotten even before you die. Your obituary will be less than two lines on the back page of the classified section that no one will ever read. Your tombstone will not say “beloved father” or “sorely missed” or even “rest in peace”. Your entire life will be summed up by your birth and death dates. If you're lucky they might spell your name correctly on the plaque which marks your burial spot. There will be no flowers over your grave, and in fifty years time it will be ploughed under to make way for another block of low rent housing. Hordes of welfare kids and immigrants will pee on the lawn under which you will be buried, and you probably won’t even be able to haunt them.

You're nobody special, and you're pissed off about it. The worst thing is that you can only swear in one language, and all the best swear words are foreign. They never teach you the words you really want to know when you study a language at high school.

You can’t save the Earth. The only planet we have will continue to disintegrate one piece at a time as you sit in your living room, eating dinner and watching it happen on TV. Global warming, coastal flooding; El Nino, La Nina; urbanisation and traffic congestion; expanding deserts and diminishing rainforests, mass extinctions, whale hunting for ‘scientific research‘, oil drilling in ‘nature reserves‘; globalisation, global recession, unemployment, Third World debt, Hollyweird, McWorld, and Paris god-damned Hilton; declining democratic participation in the West, rising totalitarianism in the East, tyrannical theocracies and military juntas everywhere else; plagues and pestilence, the Sars virus, the Aids virus, Ebola, the Influenza epidemic, Hong Kong Chicken Flu, Mexican Swine Flu, Tamiflu; mad cows with CJD and mad scientists with DNA; wars, insurrections, famines, droughts, bush fires, deluges, swarms of locusts and rivers of blood, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, cyclones, huricanes, tsunamis and typhoons; lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Terrorists, Al Qaeda, Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, the Taleban, Hamas, Hezbollah, the PFLP, the ETA, GRAPO, KWP, Tamil Tigers, FARC, the Shining Path, the UDF, the IRA - Real, Orginal, Official, Provisional, Continuity, and any other splinter group that exists; the Red Brigades, the Red Army, the Republican Guard, the US Marines; Iranian nuclear acquisition, French nuclear testing, North Korean chemical programmes; holy atomic Jihad; religious persecution, increasing intolerance and extreme evangelical movements, the Christian Creationist Right, the Socialist-Anarchist Left, Islamo-fascism, eco-fascism; declining moral standards, legalised prostitution, grow your own dope, do-it-yourself abortions and euthanasia but don't you dare smack your kids; over-population, declining sperm counts, increased bacterial infections, genetic modification and genetic engineering; melting ice sheets, rising sea levels, climate change or climate hoax? Obesity in the Developed World and starvation everywhere else; civil libertarians protecting skinheads’ freedom of speech, liberals protesting to stop anyone who disagrees with them from speaking, violent demonstrations hijacked by terrorists, riots, revolutions...

The Decline and Fall of Western Civilisation, brought to you 24 hours a day by CNN, the BBC, and the lovely people at Fox.

500 million Indians want their own cars - there goes the last of the oil reserves, and what did we do with that water powered engine ...?

600 million Chinese households want refrigerators - what ozone layer was that, now?

It’s not your fault that Europeans conquered and exploited the rest of the world before anyone else could do it - but you get to live with the fall out.

It’s not your fault that African nations can’t govern themselves, South American nations love military coups, Central American governments are owned by drug lords, or that Asian governments are corrupt. Why is it that the Pacific Islands can’t afford to have decent electricity generation? Who’s to blame for the fact that most sub-Saharan Africans have never heard of a computer or held a telephone? If China hadn’t destroyed their fleets in the fifteenth century, they‘d be running the world and most Africans still wouldn’t know what a microwave dinner tasted like. Should you apologise for the fact that your European ancestors were more advanced than everyone else? That they decided to bring the advantages of their more advanced civilisation to the rest of the world? Should they be sorry for trying to help? Should you be carrying some kind of racial guilt and apologising to their descendants on your ancestors' behalf? "Terribly sorry from rescuing you from those caves ..." Maybe those who complain about colonisation would like it better living in caves or mud huts again, wearing animal skins and sacrificing virgins to the sun god.

World Vision wants a dollar a day so you can sponsor some kid who will join an extreme terrorist fundamentalist group which will dedicate itself to destroying your life. The government wants you to pay taxes on every dollar you earn so it can pay other people to sit at home and watch TV all day. You are buying their cigarettes, their alcohol, their takeaways and their Playstation. You're putting clothes on their kids’ backs. You're paying for the education of children you don‘t have, for hospitals you don’t use, TV stations you don’t watch, politicians you don’t like, roads you don’t need, sports events you're not interested in, and artistic or cultural events you couldn’t give a stuff about. Charities ring you at home to beg for money you don‘t have. You obey the law and you're punished for it, but prisoners get three square meals a day, daily exercise, TVs in their prison cells, phone calls and conjugal visits. You pay more in student loan repayments than you do in rent, while juvenile delinquents get their fines written off because they can’t afford to pay them. You may be nothing special, but a word of thanks every now and then would be nice.

You're sick of life as it is, of being persecuted because you actually do care about yourself, your society, and your country. You are sick of voting for people who stab you in the back for a pay rise they don't need. You're sick of List MPs who got into Parliament without public scrutiny begin able to legislate for things that 90% of us don't want. You're alarmed by the realisation that there is nothing in our laws to prevent a List MP from becoming Prime Minister. And you're sickened by the realisation that the three-yearly lolly scramble by the same relentlessly power hungry and corrupt administration masquerading as different political parties manages to fool enough morons to allow them to retain some semblance of power. You know that democracy doesn't work, but you're labelled a Fascist for daring to say so. Democracy is moronocracy. The People? Sheeple.

Welcome to your life.

The good news is, one day it will end.

One day.

(This was first published by at in June 2007. I may have been slightly depressed and not coping well with rejection issues at the time. That does not in any way prevent much of this from being a realistic portrayaly of life in the contemporary West.)

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